Delays - so here's the thing
Sep. 6th, 2011 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lucifersprize..... I’ve barely written any fic in a week. I haven’t even messed with vidding or screencaps or silly pics, not even Tumblr can hold my attention.
I forced myself to go into the office last week because I am NOT, NOT, NOT agoraphobic or paranoid or any of that shit …
except,
at the point where I was hiding in the loos and when I finally got out and couldn’t stop shaking then maybe I had to admit there may be a slight issue and because my boss is a nurse ( and already knows the real reason I’m doing a job I’m overqualified for) there really wasn’t any hiding it. So I may have finally admitted that I can’t go out of the door unless it’s to one certain shop or a client, I stopped answering the phone and I can’t open my mail. I know I’m crazy, I know its counter-productive and I wish I could fix it by telling myself to ‘buck up’ but I also know, when it gets this bad I can’t fix it on my own.
So yeah, maybe I finally admitted to the whole anxiety thing BUT I am NOT going to get the doctor to the house just because I can’t make it to the surgery so I resolved to take my anti depressants and beta blockers at the proper dose for a while (which I haven’t needed for ages) ..just till I can get there…..
..and that’s when I noticed the lack of creativity – the meds seem to kill it stone dead and I don’t even feel any better for it. Still not getting anywhere and I’ve already cut back on the BBs ‘cos I couldn’t even stay awake on the full dose.
Short story – I’m really sorry if I’m not posting my fic at my usual rate, I am ahead of where I’ve posted but I don’t even trust myself to check it properly.
I’m not giving up because I need the story to play out and be completed too, I just don’t want to compromise with it.
Sorry if anyone’s uncomfortable with my crazy, I spend my entire time in RL trying to hide it because it just isn’t acceptable to others (or apparently I just need to get a grip). Just for once, cos it’s the internet and no-one can see…wanted to be honest about it.
I shall be back. In the meantime I may be lurking round your fic instead…
I forced myself to go into the office last week because I am NOT, NOT, NOT agoraphobic or paranoid or any of that shit …
except,
at the point where I was hiding in the loos and when I finally got out and couldn’t stop shaking then maybe I had to admit there may be a slight issue and because my boss is a nurse ( and already knows the real reason I’m doing a job I’m overqualified for) there really wasn’t any hiding it. So I may have finally admitted that I can’t go out of the door unless it’s to one certain shop or a client, I stopped answering the phone and I can’t open my mail. I know I’m crazy, I know its counter-productive and I wish I could fix it by telling myself to ‘buck up’ but I also know, when it gets this bad I can’t fix it on my own.
So yeah, maybe I finally admitted to the whole anxiety thing BUT I am NOT going to get the doctor to the house just because I can’t make it to the surgery so I resolved to take my anti depressants and beta blockers at the proper dose for a while (which I haven’t needed for ages) ..just till I can get there…..
..and that’s when I noticed the lack of creativity – the meds seem to kill it stone dead and I don’t even feel any better for it. Still not getting anywhere and I’ve already cut back on the BBs ‘cos I couldn’t even stay awake on the full dose.
Short story – I’m really sorry if I’m not posting my fic at my usual rate, I am ahead of where I’ve posted but I don’t even trust myself to check it properly.
I’m not giving up because I need the story to play out and be completed too, I just don’t want to compromise with it.
Sorry if anyone’s uncomfortable with my crazy, I spend my entire time in RL trying to hide it because it just isn’t acceptable to others (or apparently I just need to get a grip). Just for once, cos it’s the internet and no-one can see…wanted to be honest about it.
I shall be back. In the meantime I may be lurking round your fic instead…
