lucifersprize | Entries tagged with personal

My son's pub made it to the BBC News today.

full article: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-53293055?at_medium=custom7&at_custom2=twitter&at_custom3=%40BBCScotlandNews&at_campaign=64&at_custom1=%5Bpost+type%5D&at_custom4=E926F25E-BE1C-11EA-8C1D-06C5FCA12A29

It is the first and last pub in England on the primary A1 route into Scotland, so travellers and tired contract workers from everywhere but especially Scotland, are very much normal for them.

On a purely aesthetic note, what a pity it was raining when they took their photo but it still looks pretty with the twinkly lights! And I swear there is more colour in the hanging baskets and pots because I nurture them most of the time. See! (from 3 days ago).

I think the press were hoping for Bournemouth style scandal in the town but they got sedate, happy, social distancing pubs with slightly better behaviour than in the supermarkets. The precautions in place in those pubs are crazy strict, the landlords prepared to make the hard decisions - I know I've been there during the preparation - and the town in general is gritting its teeth and doubling down because it's between a rock and a hard place - better in controlled areas than sneaky gatherings and mass raves in beauty spots (which have unfortunately been a thing).

I can see local forums reporting that pubs here had a good proportion of Scots today and in a normal Summer that is entirely usual, we are a seaside holiday town on a direct route from Edinburgh.I don't regard it as a huge scandal when the local holiday camps and guest houses have all re-opened. It is not the publicans' job to police who is in the area, why and how long for - only to collect data for track and trace purposes. It is however prompting healthy debate.

And, for a little irony these protestors turned up from as far as Glenrothes to protest the English entering Scotland. They had to drive into England on the A1 to turn around to do this.

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It's been a tough couple of weeks. When you take on rescues and older pets, you don't stop to consider, how long? Or what happens when thay all hit old age together. I had considered, at the beginning of the year, that aside from Radar, all my pets are OLD, some ancient, others respectably into senior years. I still wasn't prepared to lose two in quick succession in unexpected order. I don't want to dwell on my grief, it is secondary to the true wonder these sweet souls brought to us.

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I had been intending to post a few of my pretty photos from my trip to Ireland but I still haven't sorted out the files from my main camera.

These are a few sneaky pictures taken on my phone because they made me laugh in context of my SPN fandom stuff.

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Well, it's a year ago this week that my son and his business partners got the keys to their restaurant/pub and this time last year we were scrubbing filth from, well, everywhere, mending to make do because, honestly - they got there on a shoestring budget.

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So, my son has a small car these days and sometimes he travels 30 odd miles across country to visiti his girlfriend. I worry, of course I do, but he's a reasonable driver so he keeps in touch and I put those fears to the back of my mind.

Sunday night, he comes into the house, shaking, in tears and has actual goosebumps. I brace myself, hug him and say "What happened?"

He says, "I don't know, I really don't know." Okay, I think, he's in shock.

"Are you hurt?" "How much damage to the car?" I ask, expecting a tale involving dents and broken glass.

"None," he says, sounding like that is the worst thing ever.

"Start at the beginning," I say.

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That pain I asked about in the week didn't go away and they've ruled out infection but my samples were not clear of blood or white blood cells - so - more investigation.

While waiting for a scan they've upped my pain meds to the point of *working entirely* and suddenly I am slightly high and free from pretty much all pain including my joint and niggly pains that I normally have to just deal with because long term conditions don't get hefty opioid prescriptions around here.

It was a gorgeous autumn day today, I have new Laura Ashley wellies gifted by my sister, I wanted to do something outside, and the stream on the premises of my son's pub was totally choked to the point that we were worried it might flood in heavy rain. So, I put those wellies on and had a great time puddling in that stream to clear it out and I had a robin and some blackbirds to cheer me on. I am bound to regret it and my arms are a tingle-fest of nettle stings but I had a lot of fun. It reminded me of days gone by on nature walks with the kids when we would stop and play in streams.

Photos ahead:

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So, I posted in Tumblr the other day that I was worried about my (working) teenager and how he was taking private phonecalls at strange times, he was seen with men in suits in fancy cars, he was being secretive and his boss turned up at midnight.

Anyhow, it turned out that owners of the hotel and restaurant he was working for were having difficulties, having overstretched a little with several hotels, and the manager, the chef and himself were looking for a business they could run together. To be fair they make a pretty amazing team.

Anyhow: Update
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I hope everyone is having a good Sunday and father's day. I think of all the dads among the celebs I admire and know I will be seeing some cute pics to cheer me up. I'm glad a lot of shows are on hiatus so those dads can be at home enjoying their family. I wish the same was true of everyone.

In general news. I still love living on the coast. I have good weeks and bad weeks but I'm working towards having more good days and this coming Wednesday I have a trip to the sea off the Farne Islands to swim with seals in the very cold North Sea. I have been training for a few months and having an awesome time. I intend to keep up sea swimming even after that.

My camera has been fixed. It gives me reason and confidence to go outside and I love it. My pics are not brilliant but if taking lots is good practice then I am certinly getting good practice. I am not sure if anyone would like me to share some here or not? I am still considering where to store them though since I haven't money to use a hosting site. Any ideas are welcome.

The gerbils get up to a lot of mischief, Nougat the hamster is a darling. Lili and Tiesha cats are getting old gracefully. The local seagulls are thieving little ratbags who will sneak into the house to steal given half a chance, but aren't without some cheeky charm. I've managed to plant a few flowers and vegetables in my little garden.

In fandom news. I haven't got any shows which I enjoy right now and it leaves me feeling a little adrift. I don't participate as much and I no longer watch Supernatural but I still fangirl over the old series and some of the cast and crew. I still love J2 in all it's many universes.

About my own fanworks:

First a huge apology about Inheritance. I have stopped writing it entirely. For some time I have planned to pick it back up but I can't see it happening any time soon.

The problem in Inheritance lies in it's whole premise and au. It is supposed to be an unthinkable dystopian timeline under a totalatarian regime in the U.S. where corruption is rife in government, the U.S. no longer has its alliances with Europe and Canada, a climate disaster contaminating water sources has occurred because of greed, a form of misogyny is rampant, there are concentration camps (retraining centres) and children can be torn from their real 'mother', never to be seen by them again. I started writing it while Obama was in office and I was optimistic about world progress. Then Trump took office and very soon after that, it became hard to even look at my own story. It is definitely not getting any better. So yes, maybe now I have come out and said it, the pressure will be off and I can look again, but I am not holding out a lot of hope. The current world political situation horrifies me and I think I need to take a step away with my fiction. It has a kind of happy holding place at least with the last chapter I posted.

That brings me to the whole feelings thing. I feel like a total let down and failure in giving it up and it isn't helped by the fact that I am fairly well into a completely different J2 au which was supposed to be for Big Bang but was just too big a project for it in the end. My anxiety has me frozen on it. If I am actually going to complete it then I will need to post it in wip. Without a challenge or some pressure, I don't get the words out, however, I have already let everyone down with Inheritance and I'm not going to guarantee to a time frame or even promise to finish it because apparently I am not infallible on that score. So, yes, frozen in place and not getting anywhere with it right now because of it, but this story is fun for me. I do love it's characters and it's setting. It's more of a bdsm romp through space with a bunch of cliche genres thrown together (so sue me, I like indulging in my fandom kinks).

So, I'm not sure if anyone is still reading my LJ but I'm curious to know if its worth just cutting the cord on Inheritance and launching into Black Valentine. I know, in theory I should write for myself but since it is already complete in my head, the only reason to continue would be if anyone else were willing to take a chance on it. Any thoughts?

I've had a bad winter with a lot of missed meds and dysfunction, expensive failures of everyday items that I can't afford etc. I won't mull on that.

Finally though, as the weather starts to lift the sunshine showed itself in more ways than one.

( Positivity and pics ahead )

With the Channel 4 documentary on Cambridge Analytica and the full extent of FB's betrayal of it's users now visible. I can't help thinking how very ironic it was that we in fandom left LJ in droves at the very same time, because of it being on Russian servers.

(in case you have been living in a vacuum look up the channel 4 expose on Cambridge Analytica which is summarised neatly here https://twitter.com/i/moments/976147883329294336)

I've been struggling with other platforms and had decided that it didn't matter where my data was, it would be vulnerable and this pretty much confirms it. The only choice now, I suspect, is if I keep SM at all? And there really is no way the answer to that is no, I value my random and fandom internet friendships too much to let that slip.

I'll take my chances, make sure all my fic is backed up on AO3 and here I am to stay until the next strike down.

On FB I am not so sure. It has my elderly world-distributed family and photos. It also has Russian fandom friends and for them my heart sinks - they fled from here genuinely for their safety and it sickens me to know that the place they remained makes them more vulnerable than they could ever have guessed. It makes me want to delete my FB simply out of principle - but yeah, elderly folks and kids who use the fb messenger to get hold of me in an emergency. I am hopeless at snail mail too.

Ugh. Those are my thinky thoughts on it for now.

In other news, many of my flisties are struggling with horrid illnesses so I need you all to keep cosy and feel better soon. I highly recommend a good dose of J2 at Paleyfest (unless you need to keep your heart rate steady) hecause hoo-boy our boys are pretty.

A small selection of the 'offers' on today's local sales pages.

Others included:
someone asking where to get a very warm but cheap child's coat (no heating) - lots of replies and someone delivered warm clothes for free to advertiser.
someone offering the spare bread they had in their freezer for local oaps
lots of 4x4 car share journeys being organised.

Meanwhile my daughter (below) ventured out in the blizzard to the nearest shop ( a few miles away) for supplies and while she was struggling back, covered in snow with entirely frozen hair, someone in a 4 x4 stopped to give her a lift home, which was very gratefully received. Thank you kind stranger.

It's good to know that people are still mostly good out there. Imagine what we could get done though, if we pulled together like this all the time?

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So I found this quote on Tumblr and it is so wonderful, and so appropriate, I simply had to share .... just before I go away and find the book it came from, to read it...

“Because when I read, I don’t really read; I pop a beautiful sentence into my mouth and suck it like a fruit drop, or I sip it like a liqueur until the thought dissolves in me like alcohol, infusing brain and heart and coursing on through the veins to the root of each blood vessel.” -

—	Bohumil Hrabal, Too Loud a Solitude

credit {x}

Remember them all. The ones who have fallen and gone. The ones who have fallen but live. The ones who still serve.

And then there are the ones who are falling even as they serve ~ Since the start of the Afghanistan war in 2001, there have been more soldier suicides than soldier combat deaths.

Never forget, because only in remembering do we have a chance to learn.

***

My graphics skills are fairly poor I know, but this is a topic I have emotions about. There is plenty of poetry about the glory of winning war, about the dead on Flanders Fields, and about heroic battles. This poem by William Gibson always struck a note with me because it addresses something which is rarely acknowledged, and that is how war changes a person. Some soldiers never return home, though their hearts keep beating and their faces greet their loved ones.

I will stop for two minutes at 11am. What I wish fervently is that the politicians who stop for that two minutes, use the silence, to really think about every soldier, of every nation, friend or foe, and consider the enormity of war and the ways to avoid it.

***

~meh~ I'm an optimist. Emotional outburst over ... feel free to pass on by.

Current Mood: contemplative

I'm not entirely sure if my writing companion is a help or a hindrance. He starts out as a neat little ball ....and gradually...

Whenever I put Music status as purring cat, this is something like the scene.

Don't mind me, I'm just avoiding the actual writing. *sigh*.

Current Mood: restless
Current Location: squashed to the left
Current Music: purring cat

..... I’ve barely written any fic in a week. I haven’t even messed with vidding or screencaps or silly pics, not even Tumblr can hold my attention.

I forced myself to go into the office last week because I am NOT, NOT, NOT agoraphobic or paranoid or any of that shit …
except,
at the point where I was hiding in the loos and when I finally got out and couldn’t stop shaking then maybe I had to admit there may be a slight issue and because my boss is a nurse ( and already knows the real reason I’m doing a job I’m overqualified for) there really wasn’t any hiding it. So I may have finally admitted that I can’t go out of the door unless it’s to one certain shop or a client, I stopped answering the phone and I can’t open my mail. I know I’m crazy, I know its counter-productive and I wish I could fix it by telling myself to ‘buck up’ but I also know, when it gets this bad I can’t fix it on my own.

So yeah, maybe I finally admitted to the whole anxiety thing BUT I am NOT going to get the doctor to the house just because I can’t make it to the surgery so I resolved to take my anti depressants and beta blockers at the proper dose for a while (which I haven’t needed for ages) ..just till I can get there…..

..and that’s when I noticed the lack of creativity – the meds seem to kill it stone dead and I don’t even feel any better for it. Still not getting anywhere and I’ve already cut back on the BBs ‘cos I couldn’t even stay awake on the full dose.

Short story – I’m really sorry if I’m not posting my fic at my usual rate, I am ahead of where I’ve posted but I don’t even trust myself to check it properly.

I’m not giving up because I need the story to play out and be completed too, I just don’t want to compromise with it.

Sorry if anyone’s uncomfortable with my crazy, I spend my entire time in RL trying to hide it because it just isn’t acceptable to others (or apparently I just need to get a grip). Just for once, cos it’s the internet and no-one can see…wanted to be honest about it.

I shall be back. In the meantime I may be lurking round your fic instead…

Current Mood: anxious

Three garages, three weeks and and a bank manager's heart attack later Zak is back! I can't say I'm thrilled with the dealer he ended up being repaired at. For that sort of cost I don't expect to have him returned with a totally empty fuel tank and not even a cursory rinse to the bodywork. Fairplay though they are the only garage in this stupid one horse county who actually had the equipment to solve the mystery that was a very dead Zak.

I guess I should have been thrilled by a car that goes and doesn't stop just because he feels like it. Somehow though, after four years of this quirky, crazy car being part of the family, taking us all the fun places while lying compulsively, hiccuping to tease us and lighting up like Blackpool illuminations for no good reason, it sort of didn't feel like him.

I mean Zak was always considerate about where and when he broke down. Several times actually outside a repair shop and once outside a house with a children's party going on which the kids got invited to while the tow truck came. Other times he might have stopped a few times but he started up again and got us home. He never broke down on the way to anything important or when we were on vacation.

Driving back with not a single warning light shining happily at me from the dash only to fade the moment a mechanic takes a look felt somehow wrong. The absolutely smooth ride was peculiar and then there was the moment when we all realised that the faulty stereo with the insane random volume generator and track selector was playing at a constant -and in the right order and God help us it felt disappointing 'cos not knowing what it was going to do next was always kinda fun.. Stood to reason really - the stereo was never really faulty - we now know the main computer unit has been faulty and worsening for three years.

Weirdly then, having perfect Zak (OK so his exhaust will need replacing fairly soon but almost perfect) felt a bit like saying goodbye to fun Zak forever....(it felt a little like getting a soulless Sam.)

until we discovered ....the a/c now works!!! Hells Yeah!! It has never worked. A/C in Zak always translated to wind down a window. Summer hols start today and even if I can't get time off work, we are gonna go have fun in Zak and we're gonna be cool.

Oh and prior warning to every mechanic who has glanced sideways and given me the crazy woman driver stare over the last 3 years, when I have described one of Zak's odd moments and they've found nothing wrong. I AM coming for you. My car may not be crazy any more but I'm still mad....

Current Mood: cheerful

if I appear to have lost interest. Nothing could be further from the truth. My PC has gone in for repair and tech guy has not been reassuring in his communication (ie. I have heard NOTHING) My laptop has disconnected for the last time, in fact the power jack is rattling around somewhere internally, and I'm not about to hand it to tech guy to fix until he at least acknowledges receipt of my pc....

Which leaves me totally computerless. So how am I writing this? Well the awesome Shmexxiironnie lent me her pc to watch the spn finale and when she gets back from her weekend sleepovers I shall be an internet free zone once more. I can't be upset because I never expected to see the finale and thought I'd be having a breakdown right now, so I am happy even if a little emotionally wrecked by Gamble and Kripke.

Thank goodness I still have Doctor Who to look forward to.

I SHALL be back.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Location: home